B is for Birthday Surprise
by Jelsemium
Summary: Q: How do you spring a surprise birthday party on a well trained and heavily armed FBI agent? A: Very carefully. AN: This was originally for the Summer 2006 Alphabet Challenge for Numb3rs dot Org.
1. Chapter 1

B is for Birthday Surprise

Author's Note: This was written for the Summer 2006 Alphabet Fiction Challenge. In other words, between Seasons Two and Three. Yet another way of phrasing it – before Robin broke up with Don and Don took up with Liz.

Disclaimer: Jels does not own these characters, or she would be living in the Craftsman House as the Koi Pond cleaner.

_Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!_

Robin Brooks had a plan.

Actually, she had a plot. She was going to abduct a Federal Agent, carry him off to the hinterlands and have Her Wicked Way with him.

She'd been planning this caper ever since she got a look at Don Eppes's birthday on his driver's license.

This year, his birthday inconveniently fell on a Tuesday. However, she figured that either the weekend before or the weekend after would do. She booked both weekends to be on the safe side. (Besides, with any good luck, an encore performance would be called for.)

She also knew that Don wouldn't want to travel too far from his office, as FBI agents were never really off duty. So a lovely bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara would be called in to play the role of a remote hinterland for one or both weekends.

They wouldn't know the difference. Robin had no plans for leaving their room during the weekend.

Robin cleared her own calendar for the two weekends and thought that she had covered every contingency. Then an unforeseen event turned up as she and Special Agent David Sinclair walked into the FBI bullpen for a meeting to discuss strategy for prosecuting a massive mail fraud case.

The unforeseen event took the form of Professor Charles Eppes, who was leaning on the partition that separated Special Agent Megan Reeve's desk from the rest of humanity.

Normally that would not be bad. Robin rather liked her boyfriend's brother. He was interesting to listen to. Plus she was amused by his good natured acceptance of his geeky lot in life… to be better with scientific concepts than human interactions. Today, however, he looked to be upsetting her apple cart.

Charlie was waving his hands enthusiastically as he spoke to Special Agents Megan Reeves, who was at her desk, and Colby Granger, who was perched at the edge of Megan's desk.

"Nah, what am I saying?" Charlie said with a woof of laughter. "Don _hates_ surprise birthday parties."

The mathematician was beaming and Robin felt like pinching his apple cheeks. Pinch them so hard that the lab would be able to lift her fingerprints from his cheekbones.

Then she gave herself a mental shake. _Right, Brooks. How __dare__ Don's loving and supportive family plan something special for Don's birthday? Get a grip, girl._

"Um," Colby said. "Why are you planning a surprise party if Don hates them?"

Charlie tilted his head. "Well, do I need a reason other than Don hates them?"

'_So much for supportive_', Robin thought.

Colby laughed.

"Ah, sibling aggravation," Megan said. "One of the perks of being the baby of the family."

Megan was the youngest of three or four girls, Robin remembered.

Charlie grinned at her. "I've got the menu all planned," he said. He pulled out his Palm Pilot and flipped in on and began prodding it with his stylus. "We'll have rib-eye for the meat eaters."

Colby unconsciously licked his lips at this.

"Pasta Primavera for the vegetarian inclined," Charlie continued. "Of course tossed salad, plus white asparagus and cauliflower to satisfy Larry's tastes. Speaking of Larry, he's going to bring his killer white cheddar potatoes."

"And you'll have chocolate cake?" Megan prodded.

Robin felt her cholesterol level rising just listening to the menu.

Charlie looked astonished. "It's not a birthday party without cake and ice cream."

"That's not what I asked," Megan asked. She crossed her arms and huffed.

"Um, oh. Right," Charlie said. "We'll have homemade vanilla bean ice cream and Don's favorite cake… chocolate lava cake."

"I knew there was a reason to like your brother," Megan sighed. She gave a little wave to Robin and David.

Charlie turned around to find out who she was waving to. Then he straightened up when he saw the serious expressions on Robin and David's faces. "Hi, am I intruding?" he asked.

"Not really. We do have a meeting in a few minutes," Robin replied. With an Oscar worthy effort, she managed a friendly smile. "What's up, Charlie?"

"Don's in a meeting with the brass," Colby explained. He checked his watch. "He should be back in a few minutes."

"I was taking advantage of Don's absence to explain the surprise birthday party I'm throwing for Don this Friday," Charlie explained happily.

Robin was taken aback, to put it mildly. Her reservations were for next month! "_Oh, crap, I had the wrong date! Some girlfriend I am!_"

Charlie's mobile face went from a smile to a little frown of concern, obviously sensing her distress. "Is something wrong?"

He smacked his forehead with his free hand. "Where are my manners? You're invited too. If you want to come." he added hastily. "No gifts are required, although if you wanted to bring a small gag gift that would be fine." His genial smile returned.

"I'd love to come, Charlie," Robin managed. "Fridays are usually pretty slow for me."

Charlie nodded. "That's one of the reasons why I chose a Friday. I know that, in California, juries don't listen to witness testimony on Friday, so I figured that you might be able to make it. It also helps that things are pretty slow right now, so _Don_ might actually be able to make it to his own party. I'll send you an actual invitation with the details."

David frowned. "Um, Charlie, I thought Don's birthday was _next_ month?"

Charlie quirked an eyebrow and affected being offended. "David, how long have I known Don?"

"Um," David said. "All your life?" He passed the palm of his hand over the top of his scalp, as if to brush back the hair that wasn't there.

"And what am I really, _really_ good at?" Charlie pressed.

David shifted his weight and Robin thought she detected signs of a blush. "Numbers and anything related to numbers, including dates."

Charlie beamed at him." Right! For the record, I am _well aware_ that Don's birthday is _next_ month," he said, nodding to emphasis his knowledge of the date.

Megan and Colby suppressed grins.

Robin and David exchanged bewildered looks. Robin felt less stupid, but no more enlightened.

"What am I missing here?" David asked a trifle plaintively.

Charlie sighed and flipped his Palm Pilot shut. "The part where I said it was a _surprise_ party, Agent Sinclair," he said patiently.

Again, Robin and David exchanged bewildered looks. From the amused expressions on Megan and Colby's faces, they'd already gone through this with Charlie.

"It's simple," Charlie said, spreading his hands. "Don _knows_ when his birthday is as well as we do. No matter how casually I invite him to drop by the house on or near the big day, he's going to figure out what I'm up to."

Charlie paused, then added in confiding tones. "He's an FBI agent, you know."

Megan and Colby laughed. David shook his head and grinned.

Robin feigned shock. "Really?"

Charlie nodded solemnly. "Besides, it's hard to plan for Don's actual birthday," he said. "You never know when he might have …" He looked at Robin ingenuously. "… more important matters to attend to."

Robin felt heat in her cheeks. Apparently, Charlie wasn't as socially oblvious as she had thought.

"You coming?" Charlie asked.

"I'll be there with bells on," Robin promised. She smiled and told herself. "_It will be the perfect time to invite Don to a pleasant retreat in Santa Barbara_."

(_You're invited to the party, too! Just don't tell Don!_ ;-))


	2. Chapter 2

B is for Birthday Surprises, Chapter 2

Warning, make sure you are securely seated in your chair and that all beverages of a liquid nature are out of reach

Author's Note: I still don't own the characters

_chaptertwo chaptertwo_

Special Agent Don Eppes was not a coward. However, there are some things that will make even the bravest and boldest of men waver. He took a deep breath and entered AUSA Robin Brooks' office.

"Don!" Robin beamed at him. "To what do I owe the honor?"

Don grinned. "Dinner, maybe?" he said. "This Friday?" He ran his hand nervously over his dark hair.

"Why maybe?" Robin asked.

"Well," Don hesitated, cleared his throat, and then continued. "Thing is, my dad wants to meet you," he finished in a rush, feeling like a teenager again.

Robin didn't laugh in his face, much to his relief. In fact, there was a somber look in her dark eyes, which worried Don.

"Don't you want to introduce me to your father?" she asked worriedly.

Don held his hands up placatingly. "No, that's not it. It's just… Well… Have you ever walked over a board set over a ditch? Or just walked on a plank for fun?"

Robin blinked. "Um, yeah," she said. "Why?"

"Would you try it if that plank was set between two high rises?" Don gestured to indicate a great distance above ground.

Robin shook her head. "Ah, I get it. It's farther to fall. You're worried because this is important to you." She looked relieved, which in turn made Don feel relieved.

Suddenly an ugly thought occurred to him and he smacked his forehead. "I don't believe this."

"What?"

"That whole plank thing…" Don moaned.

Robin studied him for a moment before she realized what Don was getting at. "Your very own cute li'l metaphor!" she said gleefully.

"I'm turning into my brother," Don moaned, covering his face with his hands. "Cute analogies and all."

"Then it's a good thing that I like your brother, isn't it?" Robin teased.

Don looked over his hands and frowned at her.

Robin laughed. "I'm sure I'll like your father, too," she said.

Don nodded. "I want you to meet my family," he said. "But I, um."

"You want me to make a good impression," she said.

"I don't want to scare you off."

Robin grinned. "Your brother's math didn't scare me off. Why would your father?"

Don ran a hand through his hair again. "Well, Charlie may be a bit eccentric, but at least he won't start hinting about weddings and grandchildren."

Robin laughed. "I'll be delighted to come," she said. "Your father can't be worse than my parents."

"You'd be surprised," Don muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

**B is for Birthday Surprises, Chapter 3**

Warning, make sure you are securely seated in your chair and that all beverages of a liquid nature are out of reach

Author's Note: I still don't own the characters

_chapterthree chapterthree chapterthree _

As it happened, Don was the one who was surprised.

Not the "walk in a dark room and have people jump out at you" type of surprise, though.

Charlie could be naïve at times, but he had never been so divorced from reality as to think that jumping out of the dark at an armed FBI agent would be a good idea.

Instead, the surprise was 'sprung' via a banner hung across the well lit dining room which proclaimed: "_**Happy Birthday, Don**_!"

Don looked at the sign, took a deep breath and resisted the impulse to sigh. Instead, he let his breath out verrrryyyyy slowwwlllyyy.

Then he looked at Robin, who gave him a wide-eyed look.

"I thought your birthday was next month," she said.

"It is," Don said, mentally absolving her of complicity in this. Instead, he glared at his brother, who desperately needed a wagging tail to go with the puppy eyes and broad grin. "I'd think mathematicians would be better with dates."

"Charlie's very good with dates," Amita said brightly, earning herself a quick smile from Charlie.

Then Charlie turned back to Don and asked, "Would you have been surprised if we'd held the party _on_ your birthday?"

"Of course not," Don said, making a wry face.

"Besides, we thought you might have _more interesting_ things to do on your actual birthday," Alan added with a cheerfully significant look at Robin.

"Dad, this is Assistant US Attorney Robin Brooks. Robin, my father, Alan Eppes," Don said hastily.

"A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Eppes," Robin said, holding her hand out.

Alan shook it warmly. "The pleasure is all mine, believe me. And call me Alan."

"Alan," Robin said. She looked around. "This is a beautiful house. I can see why Charlie had to buy it from you."

Alan looked around smiling. "Thank you, it was one of the best decisions this family has made." He raised an eyebrow at Don. "Don? Do you have anything to say to your brother for putting in all this effort into your party?"

"Nothing I want to say in front of witnesses," Don muttered.

Alan sighed.

Charlie laughed.

"You know I hate surprise parties!" Don said.

"Of course," Charlie said. "Why else would I throw one?"

Don took a step towards him, but Charlie slipped by him and headed for the kitchen. "We have a feast for you," the mathematician said coaxingly. "Pasta Primavera, white asparagus and cauliflower, cheesy potatoes, tossed salad…"

Don choked. "You think you can bribe me with _salad_?" he demanded.

"Well, I actually thought the rib-eye would be the selling point," Charlie admitted. "Especially when there's lava cakes and homemade vanilla bean ice cream to follow." The younger Eppes beamed. "On top of that, there's a _piles_ of presents waiting for you."

Don looked into the living room, where the wrappings on the afore-mentioned presents gleamed and sparkled temptingly.

"So, Don, what's first?" Alan asked the traditional Eppes Birthday Question. "Food or presents?"

"Presents!" Charlie, the ever nosy, blurted.

"Your name isn't Don, Charlie," Alan explained. "That's why we call you Charlie, not Don."

Charlie made a face at him.

Don knew that Charlie's curiosity was such that the mathematician liked seeing presents opened as much as he enjoyed receiving them. Which is why Don answered the way he answered at every one of his birthday parties: "Food. I'm starving."

"Aw, Don!" Charlie said, as he said at every one of Don's birthday parties. "How can you _not_ be curious?"

Don beamed at him. "The presents aren't going anywhere, Chuck!" he said.

"Meanie," muttered Charlie. He turned on his heel and went into the kitchen while his guests sat themselves around the dining room table.

Don held Robin's chair for her. She looked over her shoulder inquisitively. "Are you really _not_ curious?" she asked.

"Of course I'm curious," Don admitted. "But the vast majority of these so-called presents are likely to be gag gifts, and frankly I can wait." He looked up as Charlie set the asparagus and cauliflower in the center of the table.

"Eat your veggies or you don't get dessert," Charlie humphed.

Charlie returned to the kitchen for the cheese potatoes.

Robin leaned closer to Don, who didn't object at all. "You're really expecting nothing but gag gifts?"

Don nodded. "I know, I know. I'm paranoid. The real question is, am I paranoid enough?"

Robin giggled.

"Besides, I keep trying to break Charlie of the habit of throwing me surprise birthday parties," Don added.

"It's a habit?" Robin laughed. "How many has he thrown?"

"This is the second one this year," Don informed her darkly. "And it's still spring."

Robin laughed.

There was a lot of that going around. The food was good, the beer and wine flowed discreetly, the banter abounded, and stories were told.

"You should have seen the faces on the people in the DA's office when Don hit the ball out of the park," David said as he recounted the first baseball game with Don as the Fed's power hitter. "They were used to having things all their own way until then."

"Maybe we should start up a basketball league," Colby remarked. "I notice you have a hoop here."

"It's the only reason you come over, isn't it?" Charlie kidded.

"Nah, you've got that air hockey game in the garage, too," Colby replied.

"Do you golf?" Alan asked Robin. "Don here's pretty good at it."

"I'm rather bad at it," Robin confessed.

"You can't be as bad as Charlie," Don said.

Charlie reached across the table and set a basket of rolls next to Don with a thump. Several bounced out of the basket into Don's lap.

"Boys! We have company!" Alan reminded them.

The Eppes brothers heaved elaborate sighs as if the idea of a food fight had never even occurred to them.

Robin quickly redirected the conversation back to sport. "Tennis is my best sport," she said.

"Really?" Don asked, sitting up straight. "I didn't know that. I love tennis." A noise attracted his attention and he glared over at Colby and David. "What?" he demanded.

David and Colby did a miserable job of looking innocent.

"Nothing," David said.

"What?" Don repeated, using more of his SAC growl.

David and Colby exchanged looks.

"Um, well, it's just that we have a hard time picturing you playing tennis," Colby said. "I mean, face it, tennis isn't exactly a macho sport."

"I love playing tennis," Larry said absently.

Colby suddenly had to cough.

Megan was out of kicking range, so she had to settle for a dirty look.

Colby returned it with an apologetic look.

Larry pulled at his lower lip. "Of course, that does tend to support your supposition," he admitted. He smiled at Megan, and then looked at the FBI agents curiously. "So, what do _macho_ men like to play?" he asked.

"Tennis," Don said firmly. "Hockey, baseball, basketball and golf."

"Amazingly enough, all the things that you like," Charlie murmured. "Is Frisbee golf included in that?"

"Of course," Don said.

"What about martial arts?" Megan asked. "Is that macho?"

Colby looked at her suspiciously. "I can't decide what answer will get me into the least amount of trouble, so I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear the question," he said.

He looked around the table. "This calls for a change of subject." He looked to his partner for backup.

David rose to the occasion with a quick diversion. "What about that dessert? You did say lava cake, didn't you?" he asked.

"Yes," Charlie said. "With homemade vanilla bean ice cream."

Don rubbed his hands together happily. "Okay, bring 'em on!" he commanded.

"However," Charlie said, "It will take a while to warm the cakes up."

Don eyed him narrowly. "How long?" he asked.

"Long enough for you to open your presents," Charlie responded cheerfully. "As opposed to a regular cake, which you can serve right out of the refrigerator."

"Figures you'd have that angle covered," Don grumbled. He was keeping up the disgruntled air with difficulty as this evening was rapidly turning into one of those to entrench deeply in the memory to haul out during the times that try men's souls.

Besides, Charlie had gone all out on this and Don was curious about where it was going.

At the moment, it (the party) was going into the living room, where there was a pile of colorfully wrapped packages on the coffee table. The one on top looked like some sort of Easter present. An obvious straw basket whose contents were concealed by pastel tissue featuring eggs, chicks and bunnies.

"Aw, isn't that precious?" Colby asked.

"Is this from you?" Don demanded.

"Nope, I thought it was from Megan," Colby confessed.

"Not guilty," Megan said. She held her hands up as if to display the lack of blood, or at least the lack of pastel Easter tissue. "Mine's in the DC Comics paper."

Don flipped the gift tag around and read it. A thrill of horror went through him and he gave Robin a reproachful look.

Robin shrugged and smiled apologetically. "I'd have wrapped it in something more macho, but this was kind of a last minute thing and that's all the wrapping paper I had."

To Be Continued!


	4. Chapter 4

**B is for Birthday Surprises, Chapter 4**

Warning, make sure you are securely seated in your chair and that all beverages of a liquid nature are out of reach

Author's Note: I still don't own the characters

_chapterfour chapterfour chapterfour chapterfour _

"You knew about the party!" Don accused.

"Only a few days before," Charlie said in her defense.

"You're siding with my family already," Don sighed, tragically.

"What's wrong with that?" Alan demanded.

"Save the drama, open the package!" Charlie urged.

Don eyed Robin.

"It's too late to get paranoid, Don," Robin pointed out sweetly.

Don sighed and opened the package. Inside the basket was a teddy bear with a dark blue FBI baseball cap, a tiny Kevlar vest and thigh holsters that held what Don assumed were squirt guns.

Amidst the hooting and hollering and queries of "Do macho men collect teddy bears?" Don looked at the card that he found tucked inside the bear's vest. The outside read: "To my hero."

The inside read: "I have another kind of teddy waiting on my bed, if you're up for it."

He looked at Robin and said: "I may forgive you for this someday."

"I have a few good arguments in favor of that," Robin replied serenely.

Don slipped the note into his pocket, where snoopy brothers couldn't find it. He surveyed the pile of presents, feeling childishly pleased at the display, even though he suspected that most of the gifts were gags.

He was debating which to open next when his father took the decision from his hands.

"Here, Don," Alan said. "I thought this might be something you could use." He handed Don a large box wrapped in dignified blue and gold paper.

Don blinked, wondering if his father would stoop to pranking him. He mentally shook his head at himself. That couldn't happen. Alan Eppes had as warped a sense of humor as his sons, but he wouldn't give a gag gift to his son on his birthday, would he?

He had the paper ripped off before he remembered that, technically speaking, it wasn't _really_ his birthday.

However, there was no prank inside. It was a coffee maker designed to make one cup of coffee at a time. "Cool, I can use this at work," Don said. He looked in the box to see what was included. There was a coffee maker, a travel mug, a filter and some plastic tubing.

He pulled the tubing out with a puzzled frown.

"That's so you can bypass the messy drinking business and take it intravenously," Alan said, miming injecting himself.

"That's too close to the truth to be funny," Don said. He put the tubing back into the box. He almost asked where the needle was, but decided to not tempt fate with that one.

"I'll be the only one in the bullpen with palatable coffee."

"Maybe we should be nicer to him," Megan said to her other two coworkers.

"Too late!" Colby said. The former soldier plunked a red shopping bag into Don's hands.

"Here, I figure you could use these," he said gleefully. The younger agent didn't even _attempt_ to put an innocent expression on his face.

Don opened the bag warily and discovered two six packs of beer. "Hm," he said. "Best of California's Microbrews One."

He looked up. "After years of learning higher math from Charlie, I think I can see the pattern here. So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the next one is going to be…" he lifted out "Best of California's Microbrews Two!"

There was applause from the audience.

Don looked up, feeling rather puzzled. "Thanks, Colby."

Colby grinned.

"So, what's the joke?" Don demanded.

"There's another bottle in there," Colby said, pointing at the bag.

Don eyed him narrowly for a few moments while Colby made a token effort to look innocent.

Then Don looked into the bag and fished out the small plastic bottle. From the feel, it was aspirin or some other over the counter pain killer. However, instead of the usual label, there was a hand printed one that said: "David Sinclair"

"This is for David?" Don asked.

"Nah," Colby said. "That's to use for numerous and debilitating headaches induced by..." he gave David a stern look. "Special Agent David Sinclair."

Don grinned and the others in the room either laughed or groaned.

"You'll get yours, smart guy," David said, jabbing a forefinger in Colby's direction.

"I'm shaking in my Sketchers," Colby jeered.

David sniffed, and then handed Don a gift basket wrapped in green cellophane. The shadowy form of a liquor bottle could be made out inside. "Here, Don, from someone with more class and taste than Colby," he said.

Megan opened her mouth. Then she sighed and shook her head. "That's too easy," she muttered.

Don ignored her as he pulled open the cellophane. "Ah," he said, pulling the bottle out. "Southern Comfort?" He looked at David questioningly.

"My favorite!" Robin said happily.

David nodded at her. "Claudia said it was," he said.

Don quirked an eyebrow at her. "I'm beginning to sense a conspiracy here," he said.

Robin beamed at him.

"There's a second bottle in the basket," David said.

Don dug around in the tissue paper and pulled out another bottle of Aspirin a homemade label on it. "Colby Aspirin. Take when needed. (Note, that's not _if_ but _when_ needed.)"

The others laughed.

Colby rolled his eyes. "That's cold, man," he said.

David smirked. "Takes one to know one." He turned to Don. "By the way, Claudia couldn't come, but she sent you a little something." He handed over a box about the size of a paperback.

"Tell her thanks from me," Don said. He laughed when he unwrapped the box. Inside was a large red button with the word "Easy" on it.

"What is that?" Alan asked.

"It's the Staples Easy Button," David explained. "You pushed it and suddenly everything becomes Easy."

Alan snorted. "Go ahead, Don, give it a try."

Don pushed the button.

"Wow!" Charlie said. He put his forefingers against his temple. "Suddenly I understand math! Who knew it could be so much fun!"

"Wow!" said Larry, copying Charlie's gesture. "Now I understand physics!"

"Wow!" said Megan, likewise copying Charlie's gesture. "That button really works! Press it again; maybe I'll begin to understand psychology!"

Alan shook his head at them. "Well, I admit, I like the fact that I know where both of my sons are." He looked at his sons.

"Sorry, still no grandchildren," Don replied to the unasked question.

Alan sighed. "Well, I guess that was too much to ask for the first push." He eyed the button. "Try it again."

"Maybe later," Charlie said hastily. He rubbed his hands together and looked around. "Oh, how 'bout my present next?" he said. He pulled a small package out from the pile.

"Looks like a ring box," Megan observed.

"Oh, are you going to pop the question?" Colby asked.

Larry rubbed his face. "That would go a long way to explaining why Alan lacks daughters-in-law and grandchildren."

Charlie and Don gaped at Larry for a minute.

"I have a gun," Don said.

"I know where you sleep at night," Charlie added.

"I have a gun _and_ I know where he sleeps at night," Megan said to the brothers. "Your point, gentlemen?"

"Um, open the present," Charlie told Don.

Don quickly opened the small box. Inside was a bright red key.

Megan raised her eyebrows. "You realize that supports Larry's suspicion…"

Don gave her a stern look. "You do remember that I'm the one who fills out your performance evaluations," he said. He looked at the key again. "Charlie, I have a key to the house…" his voice trailed off and he squinted at the key.

He stood up abruptly and pulled his keys out of his pocket. After comparing his keys to the gift, he shot Charlie a look of disbelief and proclaimed: "This is to _my apartment_!"

Charlie shrugged. "I thought maybe you had lost yours," he said, giving Don his best wide-eyed and innocent look.

Whether it would have succeeded or not would never be known, because the others in the room were falling over themselves laughing.

"Man, he _owned_ you!" crowed Colby.

"Good one, Charlie," Megan said approvingly.

David gave Charlie a high five.

Alan had a sudden coughing fit and suddenly needed to go to the kitchen "for a glass of water."

"Anybody want anything?" he asked from the kitchen when he could speak.

Drink orders were made and Alan came back out with a tray. "The lava cakes are warming up. It'll be about fifteen minutes before they're ready," he announced.

Don took a swallow of beer as he studied the pile of presents.

"Oh, open mine next," Millie said. She got up and handed over a package in koi wrapping paper. "I think you will especially appreciate it, now."

Don shot her a bemused look, but opened the gift from her and pulled out a bottle of wine. "Ah, a nice Chianti," he said pulling it out.

He raised an eyebrow at Robin.

"Why, yes," she replied to his unspoken question. "I do like Chianti, why do you ask?"

Don just laughed. Then he looked into the box. "Any fava beans in here?"

"No," Millie said. She didn't need to add anything, because Don had already spotted the other bottle.

"What's this?" Don said, pulling out another plastic bottle.

"Aspirin?" Alan asked. "Let me guess, the name on it is…"

"Charlie!" Don and Millie said together.

"Hey!" Charlie protested.

"Why didn't your present have a bottle of aspirin with Millie's name on it?" Don asked.

Charlie sniffed. "Because I wouldn't stoop that low," he replied, looking at Millie.

"This from the guy who just gave Don the key to his own apartment," Colby said in a stage whisper to David.

David nodded and said, "He doesn't want to admit he didn't think of it."

Charlie shot them a dirty look, and then said to Don. "I would, however, like to point out that all over-the-counter analgesics are measured in _Millie_-grams."

Don would deny laughing later, but there were too many witnesses against him.

"What's next?" he asked.

"Here," Amita said. "This one's from me," she added unnecessarily. She handed him a flat box wrapped in cream colored paper with elephants in colorful harness marching across.

Don thanked her and opened it cautiously. He wasn't familiar with Amita's sense of humor. However, when he looked into the box, he discovered it was every bit as sick and twisted as Charlie's.

The box contained several DVD packages, all with homemade labels on them. "Hm, what have we here?" he said. "_Batman Beyond_, _Batman Begins_ and… the pilot for _Northern Exposure_?" he gave Amita a severe look.

Amita smile brightly. "Your father said you loved Northern Exposure," she said. "Especially the woman pilot, Maggie."

"I've always said that you looked like that doctor," Charlie said.

Don gaped at him. "I do not look like a nerd."

As if attached to the same string, all heads jerked around.

"Why is everyone looking at me?" Charlie asked.

Colby opened his mouth.

"That was rhetorical, Agent Granger," Charlie huffed.

Don pointed at Charlie. "Okay, I look like _that_ nerd," he conceded. He held up the DVD case. "But not this Joel Fisher guy."

"Joel Fleischman," Colby corrected.

"Whatever," Don said. He looked at the DVDs again and then his jaw dropped again. "Wait, these aren't store bought…" He looked at Amita incredulously. "You gave me… You gave _bootleg DVDs_ to an _FBI agent_??"

The laughter almost drowned out Amita's answer. "There's something else in there."

"Ah, more aspirin," Don said.

"Gee, I wonder whose name is on it," Millie said sarcastically.

Don studied the bottle. "Nope, no name. There's a picture of a bird…" he turned to Amita. "Is this an oriole?" he asked.

"I don't even have to look to know it's a gold _finch_," Mildred Finch stated with a stern look at Amita.

Amita smiled sweetly at her and Don could tell this had been worked out between them beforehand.

While everybody was laughing, Don opened up the cases and found that they were actually store bought DVDs that Amita had repackaged. He was doubly relieved to see that the _Northern Exposure_ DVD was actually _The Bourne Identity._ He wasn't a Matt Damon fan, but anything had to be better than that silly moose show, right?

"And I do _not_ look like Joel whatshisname," he muttered.

To Be Continued!


	5. Chapter 5

**B is for Birthday Surprises, Chapter 5**

Warning, make sure you are securely seated in your chair and that all beverages of a liquid nature are out of reach

Author's Note: I still don't own the characters

_chapterfive chapterfive chapterfive chapterfive chapterfive _

The next package was from Larry. Don was becoming fond of Larry, but even a 'normal' present from the eccentric physicist made him feel nervous. He wasn't sure what to expect from a gag gift.

The box, wrapped in astronomically themed paper, was filled with books.

This suited Don just fine. He wasn't as much of a bookworm as his brother, but he inherited a love of reading from both parents. He lifted up the books and looked back down in the box. "No aspirin?" he said.

Larry shook his head until his pale curls danced. "No aspirin," he assured him.

Don shuffled through the top three books and read the titles. "_The Elegant Universe_, _What Would MacGyver Do_?, _How to Cheat at Chess: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Chess, but Were Afraid to Ask_."

Jeers and accusations flew at Charlie after he read that.

"I do not need to cheat," Charlie huffed. "At chess," he added under his breath. "What's that last book?" he asked Don.

Don set the first three books aside to get to the last one, which was too big to be easily handled with one hand. "_CalSci's Architectural Heritage, From Spanish Tile to Modern Stone_," he said.

"Hey, that's _my_ book!" Charlie blurted. He surged to his feet.

"You wrote this?" Don asked, frowning. He flipped open the book to the title page and read the book plate: "Property of C. E. Eppes" just as Charlie burst out. "No! Larry stole that from my office! I mean, he borrowed it and never returned it!"

Charlie tried to snatch the book from Don. However, Don clutched the book to his chest and curled up so that he could fend Charlie off with his feet.

"Gimmethat!" Charlie demanded.

"No!No!No!" returned Don. He pushed Charlie away with his feet. "It's mine now! It's my new favorite book!"

"Boys! Boys!" roared Alan. "For heaven's sake, stop that this instant! We have company!"

Amita was turning red in the face and had to lean against Millie for support.

"Well, you can see what you're letting yourself in for, my dear," Millie said.

"Forewarned is fore…" Amita was giggling too hard to finish.

"Foreplay?" Millie asked.

Amita slid off the couch, hiding her face in her hands.

Alan pinned Charlie's arms to his side and literally dragged the younger man to the kitchen. "Charlie, dessert, now!"

"Dad! My book!"

"Charlie! Your manners!"

David leaned closed to Colby. "That's what I love about this family," he said. "You don't just get the 'company manners', they actually include you in the … um …" he looked at Don.

"The behind the scenes drama," Don supplied.

Megan thought about her own family's overly stiff and formal gatherings. "That's why we love your family so much," she said.

Don watched as his father shoved his brother into the kitchen. "What? My family? Not me?"

"You're the boss," Millie jumped in to say "Nobody loves the boss."

"Then it's thing that Alan doesn't work at CalSci" Amita smirked. She picked herself off the floor and settled back on the couch.

"Watch it, honey," Millie warned. "I can still move you to the office next to the dumpsters!"

"Um, I think I'd better help Charlie in the kitchen," Amita said. She hopped to her feet and scooted into the kitchen after Charlie.

Alan watched her go and shook his head. He was mortified when his sons behaved like this in front of company. He could hear his late father muttering about his parenting skills now.

On the other hand, his overly somber, usually stressed out son was laughing like a schoolboy and he could hear the shade of his wife telling the shade of his father to 'put a sock in it.'

He decided he'd had enough wine for the night.

Charlie and Amita came out with dessert as Don picked up the last package from the coffee table. "I guess this must be from Megan," he said.

Megan smiled. "Best for last," she said.

"Whose name is on this aspirin bottle?" Don asked.

"No aspirin," Megan said with a Mona Lisa smile.

Don lifted the lid of the flat box and pulled out the tissue paper. Inside was cloth… something that felt silky and heavy. "What's in here? Sheets?"

Megan shook her head.

Puzzled, Don pulled the midnight blue cloth out of the box. It wasn't a mere rectangle. It had a scalloped edge and a scoop of cloth with points. After Don a few minutes worked out which end was up. "It's a Batman cape!" he exclaimed in delight.

Megan laughed as Larry and Alan began chanting the theme from the '60's TV show.

"Batman?" Charlie said as he set Don's dessert in front of him. "Can I be Robin?"

"Hey!" Robin protested.

"You can't be Robin," Charlie said.

"Why not?" Robin demanded.

Charlie put his hands on his hips. "Because, well, because, Robin with a secret identity of 'Robin' is too obvious."

"Maybe it's a double bluff," Robin shot back. "They'd think that Robin couldn't possibly be someone named Robin!"

Charlie blinked and then changed tactics. "Wouldn't you want to be Batgirl, instead?" he wheedled.

"How about Supergirl?" Amita suggested as she started in on her dessert.

"Black Canary," Colby said firmly. "She's the coolest."

Megan frowned at him. "Isn't she the one who wore the fishnet stockings?" she demanded.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Colby protested.

Megan's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"You didn't say anything about Robin the Boy Wonders' bare legs," Colby pointed out hastily.

Megan didn't have an answer to that.

Robin perched on the arm of Don's chair, dessert plate in hand. "I changed my mind," she said, smiling. "Charlie can be Robin. I'd look much better in the fishnet stockings."

Don smiled at her.

Megan shrugged. "To each her own," she said.

Larry murmured something in her ear and Megan's face took on an impish look. "Well, I guess I could grant you a 'wild card' of your own," she said.

Don looked around. "I guess that's all of them," he said. He felt pleased that he'd survived the present opening with relatively little damage.

"Wait," Alan said. "I almost forgot. We got one in the mail today." He set his plate down and hurried to the front door. He brought in a Priority Delivery box. "This is from Terry Lake," he told Don.

"Your former partner?" Robin asked.

Don nodded. He was touched, and worried. He had known Terry Lake since they went at Quantico together. She knew what he liked and she knew how to embarrass him. Possibly why his father had conveniently "forgotten" the package until now. "Yeah," he said. He looked at the box, and then at his father.

"Well?" Charlie demanded. "Open it!"

Don sighed and ripped the tab open. He began to laugh. "She's never going to let me forget that our first date was pizza in a laundromat," he told Robin.

"A laundromat?" Robin laughed.

Don shrugged. "You find the time during FBI training to go on a proper date," he said.

"So, what did she send you?" Alan asked.

Don pulled the items from the box. "A small box of Tide laundry soap, a roll of quarters and (drum roll please) a twenty dollar gift certificate for Papa John's Pizza."

His guests applauded.

"All right, Terry," David crowed.

"Are you _surrrrrrre_ those are the only things in there?" Charlie asked, his eyes alight with mischief.

Don shot him a look of dire suspicion. Then he looked back in the box. "Why, look," he said in mock surprise. "There's a bottle in here."

"Aspirin!" chorused the others.

"Whose name?" Colby asked.

Don pulled the silvery aspirin bottle out and frowned at it. "There's no name," he said. "It's wrapped in aluminum foil…" he trailed off as he realized that he was looking at his own reflection.

"It's a mirror," Charlie crowed, having come to the same conclusion.

Robin laughed the loudest. "Oh, I'll take the Don aspirin," she giggled, swiping the Don-aspirin and tucking it into her purse.

Don gave her a sideways look. "Lots of confidence in me, hey?"

Robin tilted her head. "You don't really want me to have a headache, do you… Batman?" she said demurely.

Don smirked. "Well, not when you put it that way," he said.

He looked around and saw that his father and Charlie were clearing up the dessert trays. He hopped to his feet and lent them a hand.

"You don't have to help, Donnie," Alan said when he joined them in the kitchen. "You go enjoy your guests. We'll be right with you."

"I just wanted to thank you for this," Don said.

"You're not mad?" Charlie asked. The mathematician had a faintly worried expression on his face. "I know I shouldn't have been the first to invite Robin to the house, but she walked up when we were discussing the party and it seemed rude not to invite her…"

Don held a hand up. "Don't worry, Charlie. I'm not mad." He grinned. "I don't see how you could have left her out." The grin faded and he looked at their father. The worried expression was now on his face. "I know I should have brought her by earlier…"

Alan grinned. "You should have," he said. "But it's all worked out. And I hope things work out between you two. I like her." He sighed. "Your mother would have loved to have been here."

"Why? To see us being a family?" Don asked.

Alan rolled his eyes. "So she could give you a bottle of Alan Aspirin," he said.

Charlie almost choked.

Don patted Charlie on the back and grinned. "That is something she'd have done, isn't it?"

Alan nodded. After a few moments, he forced the wistful mood away. "Leave the dishes, and let's rejoin our guests," he said. He returned to the party with another round of drinks.

Don looked at Charlie. "You could have done the Dad Aspirin," he said.

Charlie looked a trifle embarrassed.

"Didn't think of it?" Don asked.

"I opened the "Alan Aspirin" this morning," Charlie confessed. "It was the only bottle in the house."

"I'll never tell," Don promised, clapping Charlie on the shoulder.

They left the dishes in the sink and returned to the party.

"So, that's everything, then?" Don asked, fully expecting an affirmative answer.

"As a matter of fact, no," Alan answered. He smiled ominously. "There is one more present left."

_To Be Concluded_!

* * *

Author's Note: All the books that Larry gave Don are real. The book Charlie and Don were fighting over is based on a real book: _Caltech's Architectural Heritage, From Spanish Tile to Modern Stone_ by Romy Wyllie. 


	6. Chapter 6

**B is for Birthday Surprises, Chapter 6**

Warning, make sure you are securely seated in your chair and that all beverages of a liquid nature are out of reach

Author's Note: I still don't own the characters

_chaptersix chaptersix chaptersix chaptersix chaptersix chaptersix _

"There's another present?" Don asked. He had the uneasy feeling that he had just walked into a trap. But there was no way out now.

"Best for last!" Charlie crowed. He held up his forefinger. "One moment, please." Then he darted upstairs, returning a few minutes later carrying a long tube enveloped in baseball wrapping paper.

"You're giving me a baseball bat," Don guessed.

"Wrong!" Alan said, smirking.

"Here, take it," Charlie said. He straight-armed the roll at Don, who caught it on the fly. He had a brief flashback to Quantico and the sadistic former drill sergeant who had dispersed rifles in a similar manner.

Don shook off that image and eyed the tube suspiciously. At least with the rifle he knew where the danger was coming from. This tube? He could think of a dozen or so gag gifts that could be in there, from a roll of flowered wallpaper to a poster of Paris Hilton.

On the other hand...

He looked at his family. Charlie was nervously shifting his weight from side to side. His younger brother didn't look malicious, or even mischievous. Rather, he had a puppyish, eager to please air about him.

Don felt a jolt of adrenaline because he realized that whatever was in the tube was something that Charlie _really_ wanted him to like.

Taking a deep breath, Don pulled the wrapping paper off and tugged on the roll of paper inside. "A poster?" he guessed. He felt a bit let down. Charlie's demeanor had led him to believe this was a real birthday present.

"Nope," Charlie took hold of the tube while Don pulled the roll free. "Something much better."

The thrill of anticipation returned. Followed by the rest of the party, Don walked over to the cleared off dining room table and spread the mysterious roll out. Larry and Megan held two corners to the table while Charlie and Alan helped Don smooth it out flat.

Charlie and Alan held the other two corners while Don studied the image in front of him.

It was not a poster, but… "Blueprints?" Don asked. He looked from Charlie to his father, who both nodded and grinned.

Don ran his hand over the paper as if to smooth it down as he studied it. He wasn't an expert, but this design was not very complicated. It only took a few minutes to work out what they were. "A tennis court?"

He felt his eyes widen and he looked from his brother to his father. "You're building me a _tennis court_?" He realized his voice was on the verge of squeaking and he cleared his throat.

Charlie was beaming and bouncing. "Yeah, we would have sprung this on you during your last surprise birthday party, but the permits hadn't cleared yet."

"This is," Don shook his head. "Wow. You guys didn't have to do this."

"Of course we didn't," Alan said. He slung his arm around his older son's shoulders. "But we thought it would make you happy." He turned to Charlie. "Speaking of happy, for my birthday, I'd like a golf course, please."

He walked towards the back door. "C'mon, I'll show you the area we have staked out. Now that the plans have been approved, it won't take long to make the actual court." He grinned at Don. "We'll have it ready in time for your actual birthday!"

Alan walked out the back, followed by the guests. Charlie started to follow, but Don grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked, causing the smaller man to stagger backwards.

"Hey!"

"Charlie, wait," Don gestured towards the back yard. "This is way too much. I can't, y'know, repay you."

"What repay?" Charlie asked. "It's a gift."

Don took a deep breath. "You know I can never match this…"

Charlie shook his head and threw up his hands. "Don, does everything we do have to be a _competition_?" he said.

Don looked at him sternly. "Yes," he said. But he couldn't manage to keep a straight face for long.

But Charlie didn't smile back. Instead, he looked at him somberly. "You really want to match it?" he asked. "I'll tell you how to match it."

Don was taken aback at Charlie's sudden earnestness.

"Come home every night," Charlie said.

Don frowned, but he didn't get a chance to speak.

"Not here," Charlie said, indicating the back yard. "I mean, here's good," he pointed to the ground. "You can come anytime, you know that." He twisted his hands together.

"But, really, I don't care _what_ home you go to. Here, your apartment, Robin's place, Albuquerque, Motel 6… whatever… wherever… Just… just… you know."

Even though Charlie had become inarticulate, Don did know. It might as well have been embossed on Charlie's forehead in neon lights.

_Just don't die_.

"I do my best, ya know?" he said.

Charlie nodded and shuffled his feet.

Don was touched. So, naturally, he changed the subject. He grinned, scratched his upper lip with his thumbnail and looked out the back door. "You know, I had a thought about what you could get Dad for his birthday," he said.

"I don't think there's room for even a nine hole course," Charlie said, sounding relieved to have moved on to a less emotionally charged topic.

"I was thinking of a putting green," Don replied.

Charlie rubbed his bottom lip, reminding Don of Larry. "That might work," he admitted. He eyed the yard as if he could see the putting green in his mind's eye.

"I foresee one difficulty, though," Don added.

If Charlie hadn't been lost in his calculations, he would have realized what was coming. Instead, he asked innocently. "What? I don't think we need a permit for a putting green. There are no structures involved. Of course, there's always the trick of keeping this from Dad…"

Don shook his head and held up his thumb and forefinger. "Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of finding enough _tiny little _helmets for the koi to protect them from all those balls you're going to hit into their pond."

Charlie gaped for a moment, and then gave him a shove. "Ingrate," he laughed.

"Brat," Don said, returning the shove.

They went out into the yard, still shoving and trading barbs.

David hailed them. "C'mon," he called. "Let's see if you two can really play basketball."

Colby dribbled the ball and grinned. "Anybody else care to join us?"

Alan shook his head. "I prefer my basketball to be free of blood thirst, thank you."

Megan also shook her head. "I like my blood sports to be unencumbered by rubber balls, Granger," she said sweetly.

A few people choked on their drinks at that.

Aside from Millie taking bets, all of the other partyers declined to participate.

"Two on two, then," David said.

"All right, Sinclair," Don said. "You want to be humiliated? Guess now's a good time, since Claudia isn't there. Whaddya say, Chuck?"

"I say, 'Don't call me Chuck'," Charlie said. "I also say, 'let's show these losers how to play basketball'."

The basketball game was fast and furious. With strong emphasis on _furious_ because the Eppes brothers took great pains to foul each other at every opportunity.

Even though they were on the same team.

C'est l'Eppes.


End file.
